it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
