just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
