It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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