i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
