Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
