im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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