His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
