You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
