I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
