So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
