2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
