my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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