I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
