i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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