no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
