her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I enjoy the company of your penis
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