For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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