You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
