this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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