I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
