bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
