If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
