i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
