So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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