You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Randomize
