The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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