Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
