Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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