Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
