Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
