my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
