BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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