I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
