She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
