Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
