Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
