I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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