Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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