At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
