i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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