Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
zippers are such a cool invention
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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