What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
