Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
