Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
