Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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