I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
