it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
