Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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