I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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