see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
