Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Umm I'm too high to move.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
